Play #23: Vegetable Matter

The play takes place in the pre-Prehistoric past, long before architecture, automobiles, gas stoves, laptops, smartphones or Facebook.  The setting is a cave where, in many thousands of years, the Toronto City Hall will stand.  As the play opens, it is early evening, and a woman, Moo, is sitting before a fire, none too patiently awaiting the return to the cave of her partner, the hunter Ugh.

Moo:  It’s getting late and I’m very hungry.  I do wish Ugh would come home.

All at once, there is a noise of footsteps and the additional sound of something heavy being dragged up the path to the cave.  Suddenly we see Ugh, straining to pull an entire Mammoth up to the cave entrance.

Moo (suspiciously):  What’s that?

Ugh: I don’t know what it’s called, but it looks as if it’ll make a good meal!

Moo:  It’s horrible!

Ugh (undeterred):  Well, you’ll have to clean it.  It’ll look more appetizing then.

Moo (still horrified): But it’s a creature!!

Ugh:  Yes, so?

Moo: But it’s made of meat!!

Ugh (cheerfully): That’s okay, so are you!!

Moo: That’s just the point.  We can’t eat creatures.

Ugh:  Why not? They eat each other!

Moo (primly): That doesn’t make it right.

Ugh (heartily):  Sure it does!!

Moo (wearily): Ugh, I’ve explained this a hundred times, I’m not going to eat meat.  You shouldn’t either.

Ugh (crestfallen): But I like meat.

Moo (sweetly): No you don’t.  Not deep down. Not really.

Ugh:  So what’s for supper instead?

Moo: I’ll make a nice stew of bark and brambles!

Ugh (looking wistfully at the Mammoth):  Oh no.

Moo (encouragingly):  It’ll make you feel as light as a feather! 

Ugh (resignedly):  Don’t talk about feathers.  It makes me hungry for birds.